Growing together

I had lost it all: parenting, being gentle, being compassionate, losing myself. I was on a downward spiral. Every now and then, I burst out with anger at my little ones, even my 8-month-old baby. I was filled with guilt.

As someone who gave parenting consultations and workshops on compassionate parenting, this was the last thing I expected. I started questioning myself and even considered giving up. Trying to balance setting limits and boundaries, I was failing at all the parenting strategies I used to practice.

Deep down, I knew why I felt this way. The lack of sleep was the main reason. On top of that, I had no time for myself, no time to work, and felt helpless. I had to depend on our parents or my husband if I wanted to do anything for myself, even something as simple as going to the parlour. Asking for help always made me feel guilty because everyone has their own lives and responsibilities. But since there was no other option, with a heavy heart, I would end up calling either of our moms for help, which made me feel even more guilty because I strongly believe they deserve to relax after spending all those years parenting and raising us. And of course, I am deeply grateful for all the support I have received from all of them.
While I was going through this mental turmoil almost facing a burnout, my husband started to step up, or at least I began to notice it. Until then, he made me feel like parenting was solely my responsibility, even though he was always there. Since I was in this field, our conversations about parenting or homeschooling were mostly one-sided, with me doing all the talking. His usual response was, “If I ask you about motorbikes, would you give me opinions? You know better, so you do!” This irritated me because I love conversations and taking perspectives, but I soon realised it was his way of processing things.

When I lost control and was completely dis-regulated for days, I saw how differently he handled the same situations. He was compassionate and gentle, something I hadn’t noticed before. I usually took over such situations, since I spent most of the time with the kids. It was only when I hit rock bottom that I realized the balance in parenting isn’t always a 50-50 split. It can be 80-20 or 20-80, as time and need arises.Understanding this paved the way for more fruitful conversations between us. We’re still figuring out various combinations. In each of our stories, the characters, plot, and problems are different, so is the solution.

In my understanding, finding your own balance, whether it’s 30-70 or 90-10 parenting, is the key. But the main rule is communication with your partner. Understand if your spouse is overwhelmed with work or on the verge of burnout, or where you both are struggling, or even if you both are at peace. If this understanding is in place, the rest of parenting becomes easier. It’s any day better than both parents going off course and leaving the children helpless.

Sharing space for each other greatly supports each other’s mental health and growth, leading to a healthier childhood for our kids. Theoretically, it sounds great, but in practice, it is hard—yet possible. You will believe in it more when you start to receive the same amount of space from your little one when you go off board. Here’s a small example of how V spoke to me this morning when I was upset and about to get angry.

Since I had done a bit of work on myself after the down phase, I knew I was about to flip. I just articulated that I was getting angry, and my tone changed. Just then, V told me, “Amma, please don’t be angry. Do you want to cry?” and she gave me a tight hug. I cried, and she told me, “Amma, when you cry, I also feel like crying,” and a tear dropped from her tiny eye. Within a few minutes, I felt better, and the issue was resolved so easily. I can vouch that this was possible only because we model this at home. It’s not about always maintaining the same kind of personality. There are ups and downs, and that’s the beauty of it.