Trust

Trust is something which is really important for anyone. And is very much similar for a baby too. Most of the times, we fail to understand a baby or toddler just because they are way physically smaller than us and we tend to take it for granted that its ok, they don’t understand, or we can easily play a trick on them. But that’s not always the case.

For example, in most Indian scenarios (as what I have seen), when we (parents) want to step out for a while and leave our child with grandparents or babysitters, I have seen that parents hide from their children and sneak out of the house fearing that our kids would cry or might throw a tantrum, if they see us leave, making it difficult for the grandparents to look after them or even for us to leave. But have you thought why does the child cry?? Is it just because, they feel sad or maybe they want to come with you?? Or is it that their separation anxiety has kicked in ??? They might suddenly be left with a lot of un-expectations in their routine or change in place or change in people (even if its close relations, there is definitely a difference when parents are not around.)

Our responsibility is to create that sense of giving them a safe space to be and help them being confident, then there is no room for anxiety. All these might be much easier, if you stay in a joint family where the child is spending much time with grandparents even when you are around, but if that is not the case, then preparing the child helps to create their safe space and not lose trust.

Think about this by putting yourself on their shoe, that with no prior notice, there is a sudden change in your routine and someone whom you trust the most leaves you with someone else, and you are not sure what to expect! Then you sure will have a higher level of anxiousness thinking about what next?? It is almost the same way when you spend a lot of time with your munchkins and one fine day, you end up leaving them with their grandparents or caregivers while you are away, and the child is totally unsure of how his day or routine is likely to change. Wouldn’t they cry or leave a tantrum?? Because that’s the only way they know to express their feelings. Distracting or hiding from them would not help us build their trust and emotional foundations.

A small trial of what I had been practicing with my child and still continue to do on a daily basis is communicate. Whatsoever it is, right from the very first days of little V’s birth, I had started communicating with her about anything and everything. Even If I had to leave her and go to the bathroom, I tell her before going and report back to her right after I am out. Similarly, before taking her for a doctors appointment or vaccinations preparing her on how the doctor would check her or give an injection and how it would pain but still everything is going to be okay and affirming that I would be there with her. Or talking to her about how much fun it is going to be while she is taken for a play date and what not. But these are events where our presence is still there and it changes a bit when we are not around.

At night before going to bed I reflect to her on how our day was spent and exchange emotions and cuddles and kisses along with the long conversations. When she started making her cooing and gooing sounds, she started giving me responses in her language, god knows what she was trying to speak up. But still I took her words for real.

When I started going back to work, she was only 4 months then, I used to tell her in prior, that Amma will be going for work, and tiny V shall be spending time with her ammumma or at her appuppa’s house depending on where I had to leave her then. 4 months is pretty small to tell her all this, right? but it really helped me to get through her separation anxiety period which usually develops at around 6 to 8 months of age in babies. She did not have much trouble in all these transition periods.

Since I worked part time, and with the onset of the pandemic, there had been so many differences and inconsistencies in our day to day lives, leaving V with her grandparents had also reduced big time. She spent most of the time with me and my husband. Little V, did get the opportunity to meet them at least twice a week. But being without me around, never did happen for over months. Finally, when I got back to my work again (which still is part time), I needed their support and help to take care of V. After so many months of me being around and now having to be back on her own with her appuppa and ammumma, takes in a lot of preparatory work. It starts right from the previous night, talking about how her coming day looks like and letting her know in advance, as to where she would be and who is going to be with her and when her amma is going to get back to her etc.

I strongly believe that preparing her beforehand as to what she has to expect for the days works a lot for her. So far, so good, we have not come across any tantrums or off moods. She adapts well with where she is put to. And never have I ever sneaked out without her knowing. I make sure she sees me go, says bye – bye and exchange kisses. There are days when she feels sad, but she definitely knows what to expect.

As parents, it is our duty to build in their trust on themselves and not to break that inbuilt trust that kids have on us, parents. For this, communicating to your child and listening to them and trusting them is very important.

Listening to young kids might not be from their words alone, but their actions, patterns, emotions, all tell us what they need or what they are trying to communicate. Trying to connect to child with all our senses and an open mind would help us go a great way.