Should Children Cry?

Why are we feeling in a certain way may be, when we are upset or irritated or angry with something? It’s not the external factor itself, that makes you feel like that, it’s about WHY you feel in a certain way when the external factors change? What are your trigger points etc. Most often, we, as adults are not aware as to the small changes that happen within ourselves, we tend to either ignore the emotion or distract ourselves with a phone or book or some other activities, may be getting out with friends or some even to some sort of reliance to any substance. And what happens in the long run? All these emotions get piled up and if at all there is an outlet, it might end up in a very harsh way, using harsh words to someone but still not solving the deep inner problem or in case there is no outlet, then it becomes to issues like anxiety, stress, depression, and whatnot. These days, if you look at the young adult crowd, there is an increasing need for emotional support and the reasons could be the fast-moving lifestyle and the pressure of work that most of us face. The reasons could be anything that we see around in our daily life, but main point is that, why is it affecting so many of us and how do we let it go and move on. There are many angles to look at this point and what I would focus is on the parenting angle and the child’s way of letting it go and allowing it to go in a manner, which is none other than the everyday encounters of tantrums. I bet, not a single parent would have missed this part of the day.

Tantrums are nothing but BIG emotions. We all have tantrums everyday. How well a child’s tantrum is handled, is how well he/she is going to understand, become aware and work on his/ her emotions. When a baby starts crying, there is always a reason to it. During the initial months, babies cry for food, or because of any discomfort, which is very well understood by the caregivers and the child would be made comfortable as soon as possible. Then at a later stage when the child has more understanding about the surrounding world and the need of the child gets wider and cries for a variety of things apart from just hunger or pain, it is addressed in a different way. 

So here I would say few methods parents usually follow. A reminder that there is no right or wrong ways of doing. 

One being a parent who doesn’t want to make their child cry and give off to whatever the child asks for with very few or no boundaries or limitations for the child. 

On the other end, a parent who keeps strict boundaries and let the child cry, but then manage the cry with a distraction or ignore the child until he or she cries out. 

And another one being a parent who keeps boundaries, and allows the child to cry, but then sits and be with the child as they cry out with empathy.

Let’s look into each of it.

A young child, say about a year and a half or two asks for a cup of tea when all the adults are drinking tea, and you very well know that tea is bad for kids

Scenario 1: the child is being given because the parent fears the child crying his heart out. Feeling bad for the crying child or even having a thought that this little one is going to wreck the house upside down with his cries and disturb the neighbourhood etc. and so easily gives in, though the parent understands what we give to the child is not good.

Who is taking authority here? Child doesn’t know what is right or wrong, it is us, the parents who can help them. 

Scenario 2: The child is denied the cup of tea and he/she immediately starts to cry and whine. Many a times this is labelled as being stubborn or cranky or a cry baby and is managed either by ignoring or giving advice or distracting the child

What happens when you ignore the child or give advice?

How do you feel when your dear and near ones ignore you when you are sad and need some time to cry vs how would you feel to have a shoulder to cry on without any advice or judgements on you? 

When you want to be heard, and there is no one around, how would the sadness grow, more into frustrations and anger? Similarly for a child, leading them to roll on the floor, shout, scream, or even hit or throw things. Isn’t it a process we develop? What are we teaching the child on empathy? 

When you are sad that you couldn’t get what you desired, and during that phase you are hearing lectures and advice on why you cant have it, and then someone labels you as being stubborn or cranky. How does that make you feel? Do you think all these words can be comprehended by a brain thats emotionally down, be it an adult or a child. We take time to process things. Isn’t it? 

Does these questions leave you with some answers?

What happens when you Distract the child? 

Looking from an adult perspective, this is what I feel would be one major thing why we adults still don’t know how to be aware, understand or accept our emotions as it is. As I initially wrote, on how we distract ourselves when hurt or upset may be with a screen or anything on the outside world, sometimes even pushing people to look out for alcohol or cigarettes as stress busters, wherein, the inside cause is not being taken care of. Being with sadness or crying for a while is considered weak or not good. Comments like good children don’t cry, are all helping them grow into an adult world of not knowing how to deal with the broken inner self. Most often, distraction gives a message that, if you are feeling down, immediately look for some thing else that can give you happiness. But my question is would this always work in our lives? How can we be emotionally stable then ? All emotions are important and we need to address is well right?

Scenario 3: The child is denied the cup of tea and he/she immediately starts to cry and whine.  But this time, we listen and pay attention to the little one. 

When a child cries out, they just want to be heard. Not to judge them, advise them, or distract them or even tell them on how a good child knows how to smile and not cry. All they would need is a shoulder to cry on and let them sink in with the reality, some attention, and some empathy. Let them cry. Let them feel heard. Let them be able to come back to us whenever they feel low. this will help them to be more aware of their emotions and be ok with it, unlike some adults who feel ashamed if they show their emotions. They will know in a better way to handle their emotions and name them and communicate it to us in a better way. Rather than be an adult who is incapable of being self-aware. 

Children by themselves are a whole being. It’s only the fragmented adults, who start break them into pieces and lose all this inbuilt structure. 

Tantrums or big emotions are anyways part of their lives (and ours) until the age of 7, unless they truly learn about their emotions, but giving them support is important. And it is a great way to connect with your child, while they have a tantrum. It is in the most unloving way, that children ask for some love and attention. 

Reading through this, which method do you think you could chose when your child goes through a difficult situation ??